Oh Thanksgiving is almost here! One of my favorite days of the year! I know, you are thinking about your roasted turkey, super creamy mash potatoes (Yum!) and green beans which of course (Unless there is something really wrong with you) is absolutely fantastic!
But the food isn’t the issue here but the entertainment factor that comes along with it. Man, I have never seen people fighting so much about who brings what or who says what or why you invited “X” person, but at the same time they all hold hands, close their eyes for the blessing of the food (Some just one so they can still keep the other eye on the food, when you have a big family… Man, people steal food) and if you happen to have an Italian or Jewish family (Believe me, Jewish and Italian mothers are identical!) then you are doomed.
Seriously. If you are anything like me, you would just pop some popcorn in the microwave and watch! Who needs football?
Then you are ready to eat and you are literally starving. Please, please, please (You are thinking)”¦Dad, choose someone who will give a short prayer! But of course your Dad chooses his brother who for the last few years has been giving the prayers during Christmas and Thanksgiving and he has to beat his own record of 13 minutes 5 seconds prayer. You hold hands, bow your head and ask the Lord for a miracle. If there is a God, he will make sure your uncle gives a shorter prayer this time. And He does! He gives a prayer of 8 minutes 6 seconds making this prayer one of the most memorable ones.
Now, if you think the combination of being Jewish and Italian isn’t enough, add to that the Mormon factor and you have a ticking bomb in the making. While your Italian mother is forcing you to eat that humongous turkey drumstick and gives you the speech (Still!) that ‘so many children in Africa are dying of hunger every day and you are daring to waste food”, you have to remind her that leftovers exist for a reason but then you have your father who tells you to listen to your mother because that’s how you show respect. Sure Dad, let me swallow that drumstick turkey and vomit!
At the same time, you are sitting next to a Utah Mormon who is talking to you non-stop and all she says while smiling and talking like a Primary teacher is:
“Isn’t she a gem?” (Moves head to one side while smiling)
“Isn’t he great?” (Moves head to the other side while smiling)
“God bless her soul” (Whispers in your ear)
“She is so sweet” (Gets realllyy close).
Did I mention the children? I mean, are they even children or little creatures dressed as children? And you hear the parents:
“Daniel, give a big kiss to auntie!”
Nooooooooooo you are thinking inside of you while in the outside you have a big smile on your face.
*Daniel is running towards you and drooling while having a runny nose and a cough*
Holy Cow! Where are the crucifixes and garlic? Quick!
Muack! He gives you a big kiss”¦and left with you 10 pounds of saliva by your cheek and of course, at least 3 million germs. Fantastic. Of course, the old Utah lady must add “Awwww”¦Isn’t he wonderful?” No, he isn’t!
Mom wants you to eat ice-cream. Heck, won’t let you LEAVE the table unless you eat the ice-cream. You politely decline because you have become allergic to milk. But Mom is Italian and she knows how to make her children feel guilty. She gets sad, your Dad gets angry and you end up eating a bowl of ice-cream just to see your mother smiling again. Did I say Italian mothers have a Phd on manipulation?
Time to clear up the table. You offer to do the dishes of course with the hope that someone would say “Oh don’t worry, we will do it!”. Nobody does. Darn it. You start loading the dishwasher until your grandma stops you and asks you what you are doing. Of course, you do not want to be disrespectful to grandma so you kindly explain to her that you are going to do the dishes but she is old school and says that ‘those machines do not wash the dishes properly” so you should do it by hand.
What?! Grandma has been drinking?
Hey grandma, I think Dad is calling you. She leaves and you start loading the dishwasher like crazy before she comes. You finish cleaning the kitchen and want to lay down on the couch and rest”¦but Mom wants to read the scriptures in Italian as a family. Are you serious? Who reads the scriptures AND in Italian right after a Thanksgiving meal? That’s plain abuse!
“Se sei allegro, loda il Signore col acanto, con la musica, con la danza e con una bpreghiera di lode e di cringraziamento.” (Dottrina e Alleanze 136:28)
The night approaches and everyone goes home. Silence fills the air completely. You sort of miss the saliva kiss you got and laugh about being annoyed over the old Utah lady. And realize that those little moments in time are the ones that you will remember forever… Specially when you are really, really old and got a new rocking chair”¦ (*playing a sad song with the violin in the background*)
But…but..What the heck am I saying? No way!
You know me, Cheeky won’t be doing that”¦ so do not get your hopes high.
She will be too busy forcing her own grandchildren eat those humongous turkey drumsticks! Ah, I tell you! Nothing more satisfying than sweet revenge!