Once upon a time in a very strange land, there was a millionaire with peculiar-looking dye-blond hair who was eating dinner peacefully with his family. As they were enjoying a Taco Tuesday supper, filled with delicious Mexican goodies (His favorite) Mr. Millionaire started thinking about his life and how boring it has become lately. “No one pays any attention to me” he said sadly. “I am so bored; I need some excitement in my life!”
After taking literally thirty seconds to think about what he could possibly do to make life more entertaining (And annoy millions worldwide in the process) he shouted with enthusiasm:
“I know! I will run for President! If that does not bring me the kind of attention I constantly seek, nothing else will!” And that’s where his dream of becoming President was born, between guacamole and taco shells. Mr. Millionaire knew he needed a good damn strategy to get the media’s total focus (After all, his hair and pouting can only go so far) and what a better strategy than…no strategy at all but just to be himself!
Mr. Millionaire thought hard (Sixty seconds this time) and declared with full confidence while swinging his bangs: “I will just open my mouth and everyone will worship me because I am that good. I am the only one who can save this country”
1. I will tell people that our current President isn’t even American and they will still support me.
2. I will tell people that Mexicans are rapists and they will still support me.
3. I will tell people that I will ban all Muslims from entering our country and they will still support me.
4. I will tell people that I call women pigs, ugly, fat, disgusting, making inappropriate comments about their monthly cycle and they will still support me.
5. I will tell people how I brag about assaulting and groping women without their consent and they will still support me.
“And to show my point, he bragged to himself…I will even tell them that I could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody and I will not lose any voters.”
“All I have to do is repeat my hate for Mexico and Muslims, talk about building an impossible wall to separate the two countries and my hillbillies’ friends are ready to give me their full support. After all, who doesn’t agree with my motto?: Make America
white again! “
Mr. Millionaire decided to go to a first debate to share with millions of people that he has a plan for our country. Yes, he does. So he decided to spend the whole time of the debate sniffing, drinking water and interrupting the other candidate. You don’t understand, it couldn’t be avoided. How dare she as a woman to talk like that without a man’s involvement. The nerve! “She won this time”, he said “but the next one is mine!”
As the time was getting closer for the second debate, a surprise and disturbing audio of Mr. Millionaire was leaked.
“Darn it”, he said. “I didn’t know I was being recorded! How am I supposed to save face now?” I know what I will do, I will give a half-apology and my people will still rally behind me. I can almost hear them with robotic voices…”your wish is our command… your wish is our command…” he laughed heartily. “My goodness, I am so smart. I should have been a good Mormon”, he chucked to himself… “After all, the whole infallibility thingie is darn appealing”.
And just like that, after devouring many tacos and burritos, Mr. Millionaire went to the second debate. The only dilemma he had at the last minute was whether or not he should wear a brown bag covering his face. He opted not to wear it and that was the problem.