It has been a while; I guess part of me didn't want to get all serious. Diplomatically speaking, Church life has been arduous for a very long time or in the words of a Cheeky Mormon: Church sucks.
That's the best way I can put it. I find it harder and harder to fit in doctrinally and socially with you guys. I cannot remember the last time I had Home or Visiting Teachers, it has been years. I am not complaining, I think there are people out there that need them more than I do and to be perfectly honest, if they were to make an appointment, I would probably politely decline.
Even though I enjoy participating in class discussions, I am clearly a social outcast and even though some people seem to enjoy my input or at least, they are kind enough to tolerate it without hating, I look around and wonder if this is a place where I belong. Imagine that. I-wonder- IF- I- belong-in-OUR-Church.
I am now pondering if studying Church history has been a blessing or a curse or perhaps both. I know a tiny bit. Leaders and members approach me a lot of times to answer their questions and even though I enjoy helping immensely, I really wonder if they can see *me* as more than just a sort of "book" that you use in the library when you need to research about a topic and then you neatly put away.
Just because I know a few things about the Church and its past, it doesn't mean that I do not need to feel I belong to the present group. It doesn't mean I do not want you to include me in Church or Service activities, it doesn't mean I do not want to hear that you noticed I wasn't there last Sunday, it doesn't mean I do not want fellow-shipping. Just because you think I am a liberal Mormon and an Apostate for thinking that the Prophet can err because he is human or because I am not against Gay Marriage, it doesn't mean I want you to stay away from me. Why do you stay away from me?.
Do you see me smiling at you when I greet you? That's because I want you to ask me how I am doing and mean it and when you see me extra quiet during a particular Sunday School lesson is because I do not want you to feel uncomfortable if my views do not match yours. Because no matter how different our views are, I care about you"¦I do and I want to ensure that you have a happy Church experience, stress-free.
If you see me in pants on a Sunday, there is no need to panic. They are just"¦pants. I do have dresses and skirts but sometimes I just feel to wear them. Please, if you ever see a young woman wearing pants to a Church activity, do not stop them from giving a public prayer. Please. It happened to me when I was a teenager, and it is something that I will never forget.
Most of all, I want to tell you that being different have blessed my life in many ways but I want to feel welcome in Church. And yes, I know you do not go to Church for the people but because of your relationship and covenants you made with Christ, etc. And yet, everyone needs to feel they belong. I want to feel that despite my views, I am wanted and needed by you. It makes me feel like I have a purpose when I go to Church, it makes me feel I am part of a big family, it makes me feel that you appreciate me for who I am and not for who you would like me to be.
Some people say the opposite of love is hate, but the truth is that the opposite of love is indifference. Please, do not treat me like I am invisible, acknowledge me, you will be surprised how many things we have in common.